Writing Goofy Shit

Superman, I have news for you… in your Clark Kent “secret” identity, you just look like Superman with glasses.

I won’t begrudge the long underwear boys (and gals) their right to spend their off-duty hours in peace and comfort. After all, most of them are basically human beings and they’re entitled to vegetate in front of the TV, troll Facebook or guzzle a beer or two.

And then there’s the essentials of life they need – a driver’s license, social security card and whatnot – that dictate they have a normal persona and ordinary name. What would happen if Batman tried to get a license under the name “Dark Knight”? He’d be laughed out of the DMV, and besides they won’t take your photo if your face is covered.

Still, if you’re gonna have a secret identity, at least make the effort to have it genuinely secret. Some of these heroes must believe the public isn’t very perceptive.

Superman would be the prime example. Come on… does he really believe no one is going to notice that he and Clark Kent have the same height, weight, build, voice, and eye and hair color? Or that Kent is never around while Supie is doing his thing? I mean, who first decided that a lousy pair of glasses would be the ultimate disguise?

While we’re on the subject of Superman, he must be very uncomfortable wearing a uniform under his street clothes nearly all the time.  And he must wear oversized shoes and really long socks to keep those red boots hidden. Then there’s the cape. Where does it go? Is it tucked into his pants? Detached, folded and kept in a pocket like a big handkerchief?

Wonder Woman’s disguise relies on the use of glasses also, but she also puts her hair in a bun when assuming her Diana Prince identity. Brilliant! As with Superman/Clark, we’re not supposed to notice their identical features (and in this case, identical bust size and shape).

Superheroes who wear a mask obviously are less likely to be found out, but there could still be problems. For example, someone might notice that Captain America and Steve Rogers are each sporting a zit or shaving nick on their chin, in precisely the same location. Or that each one has the same rotten tooth.

The Thing from the Fantastic Four, a giant, seven foot tall, hulking, rock-like creature who weighs about half a ton, lazily relies on only a trenchcoat and fedora to hide himself. Clue to the Thing/Ben Grimm: you still look like a walking, talking boulder. Put some glasses on and you might have better luck.

The only really good secret identities are those of the Transformers. They smartly become cars, tanks, garbage trucks and jets. But why do they even bother trying to hide themselves? They’re not human, they’re robots. Being machines, they have no need for rest, recreation, anonymity or sleep.

And it’s not like the government is going to hand them a voter’s registration card anytime soon. ACORN may have tried to once or twice before they filed Chapter 7 but that’s moot.